Sunday, August 31, 2008

More Than Enough

Almost 2 weeks have gone by since I last posted and I'm not exactly sure where I have been, but apparently I took some kind of a blogging break.

Our days have been filled with games of Candyland, racing hot wheel cars, eating Popsicles on the patio, and fitting in as many trips to the pool as possible before summer is officially gone.

And during spare moments in between all that fun, I've had my nose stuck in Sally Clarkson's The Mission of Motherhood. Sarah has raved about this book to me forever, but recently she entrusted her beloved marked up copy to my care and said, "You HAVE got to read this!"

Why did I not listen sooner? I love books that renew, strengthen and support the desires that God has already instilled upon my heart as a mother. This book has done all that and more. It has helped to reignite my passion and resolve for embracing God's call on my life during this particular season and to make the most of each opportunity I am given to minister to Park.

But I would be less than honest I did not share that this book has also increased a longing that already exists in my heart. For the last several years, Chris and I have been perfectly content for Park to be our only child. Although we knew we would eventually desire another baby, our family felt full and complete for the time being and we adore the one-on-one time we are able to spend with him.

Looking back, my entrance into motherhood was less than ideal. After a very easy conception and thoroughly enjoyable pregnancy, we were anxiously awaiting the little bundle of joy I had dreamed of all my life.

My labor started out very manageable, and I felt exceptionally prepared from my natural childbirth birthing classes and the midwives who were overseeing my care.

Until it was time to push.

NOTHING could have prepared me for Park's determination to come through the birth canal with both hands cupping his face and elbows pointed straight out. After 5 hours and 10 minutes of INTENSE pushing and exhaustion, I finally heard Chris utter those glorious words.

"It's a BOY!"

Except, I was so out of it by that point that it really didn't register until about 10 minutes later that we actually had a son. A week after his birth, I lost an exceptional amount of blood and was rushed to the hospital. Upon being released from a week long hospital stay, I was readmitted shortly thereafter with additional complications. During this time Park developed severe breathing issues and was unable to sleep unless held upright on someones chest. I was so weak, frail, and sleep deprived by this point, that we enlisted my parents to come and live with us for over a month.

And did I mention that Chris was promoted to be the Sr. High pastor during that time, as well?

There is so much more to this story that I would love to share at some point, but it will suffice to say that unexpected challenges engulfed our family during Park's entire first year of life. I remember rocking him the night before his first birthday and crying tears of joy and relief that we had indeed made it through.

And somewhere around that time the fog lifted and my life regained the rich fulfillment I dreamed motherhood would bring.

About 9 months ago, Chris and I decided to start trying for another baby. I have to be honest in saying my heart was a little apprehensive at the time, based on the rocky days described above. But as each month has passed, that longing has grown into a deep desire for the opportunity to bring another life into this world. Even though that opportunity has not yet come.

Having conceived Park without actually trying, I don't think I truly understood what a miracle it was for God to ordain that particular moment to speak his little life into existence. But as I wait for Jesus to bring another child to my womb, I am extremely aware that He alone is the author of life.

Believing is easy when things are going as expected, but it is in times of longing that the rubber really meets the road.

Do I truly believe God is All-powerful, All Knowing, and able to do immeasurably more than I can imagine? Do I trust His timing and believe in the things I cannot yet see ? Do I long for Him more than I long for what He can give me? Do I believe that His provision for each day is more than enough? Can I submit to His will NO MATTER WHAT?

I have walked with Jesus long enough to recognize that He will work out all things for my good. It doesn't mean I have to like it or understand it, but it does mean I recognize that He is God and I am not. I will choose to trust Him even when I don't feel like it. I will find contentment in the waiting, so that when the blessing comes, I will not have missed out on the enjoyment of the journey.

When Jesus sees fit, He will expand the mission of my motherhood. In the mean time, I pray I am faithful with what He has already entrusted to me, contently enjoying the fullness of loving Park.

And for today, that is more than enough.

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it." (Psalm. 37:4,5)


Lori said...

Oh Brittani I'll be praying for you. I think I'm going to see if our library has that book. I would like to read it also.

I also realized when you posted pics from Park's birthday that a year has passed again since we've hung out. I'm staying home now so we should try to get together again.

raenette said...

Britt, thank you so much for sharing this!!! I so need it right now with my waiting and trying times. I will be praying for you and that little bundle of joy that God has just for you and Chris.

Jeff and Lindsey said...

Hi there sweet friend,
First of all I wish I was in Texas to give you a big hug right about now. You alluded to a period of waiting in a post a while back and I just sort of had a feeling that you guys were trying for another baby.

I know it must be so difficult to have a plan and be ready for another only to find out that for whatever reason that isn't God's plan at that moment. But just as you said...he does work all things for your good. He knows what is best for you, it's just a hard thing to trust when you want something so badly. We tried of almost 7 months before we finally got pregnant with Anderson and I was nearly at full on panic. It turned out that for several reasons I wont get into here, the timing was perfect and definitely a God thing.

I will be praying so hard for you and your sweet family. You are way too good of a mom not to have many more children! This earth just needs more mommas like you who are fully committed to raising GOdly children. I just can't help but to think that God won't honor that.

Much love and prayer coming your way!

Sun said...

You have such a precious, precious heart. I will be in prayer for you - I am reading that book too - Mission of Motherhood - I hope you all had a wonderful summer and that the fall is amazing too! Sunshine

Amy said...

This post was worth waiting for - really beautiful.
I've also read Misson of Motherhood (after Sarah recommended it on her blog) and I loved it! You are really a wonderful mom!

Kelly said...

I love that book, too, and felt so encouraged and inspired by the blessed role of mother.

I'll be praying that you will continue to feel God's peace as you hope for another child. This was beautifully written, and surely touched many hearts.

David said...

Sweet friend, you know I have been praying for you. We will continue. I love sally Clarkson and I am glad that you love her book:) You have to hear her speak. She is full of beautiful, godly insight. Such a blessing. You are awesome and Park and Chris are beyond blessed with you in their lives.


Chrys and Mike said...

thank you for sharing, sweet friend. your perspective is right on. you know the truth. press on and hold tight to the hope you profess.

praying for you right now.

much love,

Ingram Gang said...

I'm right there with you on choosing to trust even when we don't feel like it.
It really is hard sometimes to make that conscious decision, but God is faithful and that cannot be denied.
I look forward to a post in the near future that announces your pregnancy. I am believing the Lord for that!

Kelly said...

You and your sister encouraged me so much in my wait for a baby and I can't tell you what it meant.
I hope you know I will be praying for you in your wait. I was just talking to a friend about this - I don't care if the wait is for the
first child or the 4th - it is still hard when it's not happening.
God has blessed me so much and all the pain I had while I waited seems so worth it now. I'm praying for you Brittani and I hope God will bless you soon!

Sunni at The Flying Mum said...

I'm praying for you, and praying that during this waiting time, your times with Park will be extra sweet!

Heather said...

Hi Brittani! I found your blog through Kelly's and I read this post and realized that your story is nearly identical to my own. (Though I did NOT have the complications with my little one that you did...and I admire you so much for living through that.)
I have a 3-yr-old son and my hubby and I have been longing and praying for that next baby for 18 months now. To say it has been tough would be an understatement. Like you, we had no trouble the first time, and so this is a new road, filled with much sorrow and anxiety. But I loved that you put Psalm 37 on here- I read this and pray it several times a day!
Nice to "meet you" in blog land and come visit my blog sometime! Hopefully I can encourage you like you have me!

FaceforGrace said...

Hi Brittani,

I'm not sure how I found you- but I stumbled upon you somehow. I totally understand your frustration, disappointment, etc. And I totally admire your attitude and your determination. It is so hard when you realize that there is nothing at all that you can do to change God's mind about opening your womb. No amount of crying, begging or pleading will change anything. He is in total control of it all.

My first pregnancy was conceived in the first month, but ended in miscarriage. My 2nd pregnancy was again conceived in the first month of trying and resulted in our beautiful baby girl (she's now 5- but still my baby!) Next pregnancy- first month of trying...ended in miscarriage. Next pregnancy took 12 months to conceive- with the aid of fertility meds...again ended in miscarriage. After that point we began the process of an international adoption, now delayed about 36 months. However, after much prayer and healing of my heart we felt released to try again a few months ago. My Dr. ran a bunch of tests and apparently there were some blood sugar issues that developed after my 2nd miscarriage that caused me to stop ovulating. After a few months of monitoring that, we began trying again and got pregnant in the second month. That pregnancy ended as well 6 weeks ago. But, praise God...we are ok...and only by His grace! We are blessed with our little girl, she brings us so much joy!! And my quiver is filling...but with 4 little angels in heaven. BUT- we too have a promise and I KNOW that we will be blessed with another full term baby. We are trying again- and pray that this will be the one.

I didn't mean to spill my guts here, but I know that with 5 pregnancies, some conceived easily, some took forever...1 gave us a baby here on earth. But it's all ok and in God's hands. Currently we are 6 1/2 years into this journey of trying to grow our family, but we have decided that we will wait and continue to try again and again as long as it takes to get our blessing!

I found this verse yesterday and it ministered to me so much...I hope it ministers to you as well.

“Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves… and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” Romans 8:26-28 (the message)

Be blessed and I will be in prayer for you!