More Than Enough

Almost 2 weeks have gone by since I last posted and I'm not exactly sure where I have been, but apparently I took some kind of a blogging break.

Our days have been filled with games of Candyland, racing hot wheel cars, eating Popsicles on the patio, and fitting in as many trips to the pool as possible before summer is officially gone.

And during spare moments in between all that fun, I've had my nose stuck in Sally Clarkson's The Mission of Motherhood. Sarah has raved about this book to me forever, but recently she entrusted her beloved marked up copy to my care and said, "You HAVE got to read this!"

Why did I not listen sooner? I love books that renew, strengthen and support the desires that God has already instilled upon my heart as a mother. This book has done all that and more. It has helped to reignite my passion and resolve for embracing God's call on my life during this particular season and to make the most of each opportunity I am given to minister to Park.

But I would be less than honest I did not share that this book has also increased a longing that already exists in my heart. For the last several years, Chris and I have been perfectly content for Park to be our only child. Although we knew we would eventually desire another baby, our family felt full and complete for the time being and we adore the one-on-one time we are able to spend with him.

Looking back, my entrance into motherhood was less than ideal. After a very easy conception and thoroughly enjoyable pregnancy, we were anxiously awaiting the little bundle of joy I had dreamed of all my life.

My labor started out very manageable, and I felt exceptionally prepared from my natural childbirth birthing classes and the midwives who were overseeing my care.

Until it was time to push.

NOTHING could have prepared me for Park's determination to come through the birth canal with both hands cupping his face and elbows pointed straight out. After 5 hours and 10 minutes of INTENSE pushing and exhaustion, I finally heard Chris utter those glorious words.

"It's a BOY!"

Except, I was so out of it by that point that it really didn't register until about 10 minutes later that we actually had a son. A week after his birth, I lost an exceptional amount of blood and was rushed to the hospital. Upon being released from a week long hospital stay, I was readmitted shortly thereafter with additional complications. During this time Park developed severe breathing issues and was unable to sleep unless held upright on someones chest. I was so weak, frail, and sleep deprived by this point, that we enlisted my parents to come and live with us for over a month.

And did I mention that Chris was promoted to be the Sr. High pastor during that time, as well?

There is so much more to this story that I would love to share at some point, but it will suffice to say that unexpected challenges engulfed our family during Park's entire first year of life. I remember rocking him the night before his first birthday and crying tears of joy and relief that we had indeed made it through.

And somewhere around that time the fog lifted and my life regained the rich fulfillment I dreamed motherhood would bring.

About 9 months ago, Chris and I decided to start trying for another baby. I have to be honest in saying my heart was a little apprehensive at the time, based on the rocky days described above. But as each month has passed, that longing has grown into a deep desire for the opportunity to bring another life into this world. Even though that opportunity has not yet come.

Having conceived Park without actually trying, I don't think I truly understood what a miracle it was for God to ordain that particular moment to speak his little life into existence. But as I wait for Jesus to bring another child to my womb, I am extremely aware that He alone is the author of life.

Believing is easy when things are going as expected, but it is in times of longing that the rubber really meets the road.

Do I truly believe God is All-powerful, All Knowing, and able to do immeasurably more than I can imagine? Do I trust His timing and believe in the things I cannot yet see ? Do I long for Him more than I long for what He can give me? Do I believe that His provision for each day is more than enough? Can I submit to His will NO MATTER WHAT?

I have walked with Jesus long enough to recognize that He will work out all things for my good. It doesn't mean I have to like it or understand it, but it does mean I recognize that He is God and I am not. I will choose to trust Him even when I don't feel like it. I will find contentment in the waiting, so that when the blessing comes, I will not have missed out on the enjoyment of the journey.

When Jesus sees fit, He will expand the mission of my motherhood. In the mean time, I pray I am faithful with what He has already entrusted to me, contently enjoying the fullness of loving Park.

And for today, that is more than enough.

"Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He will do it." (Psalm. 37:4,5)