Friday, August 3, 2007

Hypothetical Sleep Issues

I promised my husband, Chris, I would not use this blog to disclose hypothetical sleep issues he may or may not have.

Not that my husband talks or walks in his sleep or anything, but if one WAS married to a hubby that did, one might have stories similar to these to tell.....

2 days after returning home from honeymoon:

3 AM: Awaken to running water and no husband beside you. Stumble into bathroom to find pajama clad hubby staring at the running shower. Ask him if he's lost his mind as hubby calmly replies, "It was a necessary evil," and immediately returns to bed.

4 AM: Awaken to man standing over you with face inches from yours and eyes wide open. Scream bloody murder while attempting to shake hubby awake to save you from intruder. Realize there is no intruder and yes, in fact, the crazy-eyed person standing over you IS husband.

5:30 AM While still trying to fall asleep from earlier insanity, hear hubby talking in strange voice. "Yes, the one on the left. No your left. Throw it back, back, back!" Think to yourself that you are way too tired to figure out how you are going to live with this madness for the REST OF YOUR LIFE!

9 AM Awaken to ask hubby what in the world happened last night, only to realize he has no recollection of the worst night of sleep you've ever had pre-children.

Later in the marriage:

One might also be able to tell about a certain incident that happened while visiting out of town in- laws.... Such as, hubby (wearing underwear only) running out of bedroom into his Mother-in-Law's, while shielding eyes and screaming, "The sun, The sun. WE'VE GOT TO BLOCK THE SUNLIGHT!"

Or the time that wife awoke to husband stacking massive amounts of pillows against the bedroom wall while repeating over and over, "If we build it, they will come!" (and after seeing pillow pile the next morning, asking wife, "Why would you stack the pillows like that?")

Or the time wife awoke to husband screaming, "I GOT IT!", while slapping a spot on her pillow just inches from her face and then carefully releasing the imaginary IT outside.

After 5 years of marriage, one could probably start a separate blog just to detail the various insanities of husband's sleep issues. But one probably loves hubby way too much to embarrass Chris him like that..

Hypothetically speaking, of course.

*Disclaimer: I let Chris read this post before publishing and he was ok with it since it was obviously not about him.


Moriah said...

Bwaa ha ha. That is hilarious. I popped on over here from your friend Sarah's... I'm trying to get out of my lurking habits as well :)

Michelle Finsand-Peacock said...

Oh my, that is hilarious--and not, at the same time! You poor woman, I feel bad for you. I pray your husband would not have these episodes!

Dellie said...

Thanks for sharing this, I did laugh out loud and it makes me feel a whole lot better because I'm the one who has quite unusual sleep habits. So, I'm gonna show this post to my hubby so he can appreciate that I'm not THIS bad! (Sorry Chris!) ;o))

Marc and Charity said...

Hi, found your blog through Sarah's. I love this post, hilarious! I have some similiar stories about my husband, and of course he wakes up and does not remember anything! What in the world?!?

Tonya said...

Great post - came to you by way of Sarah.

Truly funny, until that person is pointing a gun at you which actually happened to me with a boyfriend who had night terrors. I know, that is not a laughing matter, and I did not see it that way either. He could not accept that he was having such elaborate night terrors and for me it had to stop....thus he is a long since gone boyfriend!!!

TCC said...

Wow! That is too funny. I'm so glad that he let you post it - especially since it isn't about him. It started my day with a great laugh!

Cheryl said...

Brittani, Welcome to the world of blogging! Just catching up on my reading/lurking at Sarah's and she mentioned you finally decided to surface. Obviously you have already met some of the wonderful women in the circle of blogging. They do warm your heart, make you cry and have you laugh till you roar.
My husband wasn't quite this bad when we got married. I can remember the first couple of nights, after we talked for hours anyway, he just kept talking non-stop in his sleep. I think I was more exhausted the next morning than he was! He eventually quit doing that, and fortunately has never slept walk, such as Chris.
Thanks for sharing your stories and look forward to hearing more from you.

Promises Fulfilled said...

ok - this was very funny - found you through TCC. My husband will sometimes talk in his sleep and once started pulling me off of the bed to "save me" from sinking in to the middle of it - it was an interesting way to wake up!

Tricia said...

Oh my goodness! I am going to have to clean up the diet coke I just spewed all over my computer screen!

That was sooooo funny.
You're hypothetical husband is a lot like my hypothetical husband. My Hypothetical husband had me pinned against the wall once (our bed was against the wall) screaming RUN! RUN!! Turns out he was saving me from the trolls.

He also gave me a black eye once when he yelled STOP LICKING ME!! and then swung his arm over and backhanded me. He was saving himself from being attacked by dogs with unusually long tongues.

Try explaining how you got a black eye from being backhanded by your hubbie, but it’s not what you think, REALLY!!!

Hypothetically speaking, of course...

Lori said...

I remember several of those stories. Dustin's not usually that bad. His is usually more on the talking side and not the walking. I remember him trying to solve big mathematical equations while he was student teaching.

BUT my favorite stories are from those 1st few weeks after the girls were born. He nightly woke up freaking out trying to find the baby in the bed. He was always scared he had rolled over a baby. I think I only even took one of the girls in the bed like 3 or 4 times. Nights when I couldn't sit upright another minute. But I never would put them between us.

The best was one night he fell asleep on the floor while I was nursing the girls. He then sat up and looked at me and asked me what he needed to do with her, pointing to the dog. He was in charge of burping and changing diapers, so he was asking if he needed to burp or change Bailey. I just laughed at him.

David Campbell said...

Glad you enjoyed my son's "poopy" experience:) It is a good thing it was a tiny-little-pebble size instead of the alternative. Maybe that is why he thought it was "so cute"!
In my two experiences, boys are harder to train that girls. Emma was completely potty trained by now. Jacob tee-tees, but the cute little escapees have a mind of their own! Let me know if you hear of any mind blowing ideas in potty training!

Shelly said...


The one at the in-laws and the intruder one are still making me laugh! And seriously, why would you stack the pillows THAT way!?

Molly said...

Oh, I needed that laugh! I'm glad this hypothetical person allowed you to share his stories! I found your blog as I was blog-surfing (well, um, ok, LURKING! HA! HA!) and could so relate to the things you shared. My husband is a pastor, too, and I think we have all had at least one (ok, MANY!) scrambled-egg type day in the midst of child rearing!! Welcome to the blogging world! I look forward to checking in now and then.

Melissa said...

I am laughing so hard! My hypothetical husband also does things in this sleep like try to run away from our then 12-year-old nephew who was chasing him in a dream only to end up kicking me in the shin. He has also woken up screaming as if he was being attacked and mumbled several things I'm not sure I want to know what they were. Thanks for the laugh! :-)

Grafted Branch @ Restoring the Years said...

Hi! Surfing over from Sarah's...I think...I can't remember. I should be asleep.


My husband may or may not have sleep issues too. ;)

A Place For Ministry Wives said...

That is flat out hilarious!

Josh, Nat, & Lily Pat said...

hi brittani!
this is too funny! wow. i'm sure every night is quite an adventure.

thanks for introducing yourself. i look forward to getting to know you through your blog! maybe we can get together for real someday!

Jenna said...

That is hilarious! I am sure at first it was a bit on the scary/crazy/seriously? side. Thanks for the laugh and good luck tonite. :)

Your blog is great!

Christy said...

I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants. That is hysterical...and a little frightening.

Hope you sleep tonight!

Fiddledeedee (It Coulda' Been Worse) said...

He let you post this AFTER reading it? Obviously he was sleeping when he read it.

My husband is thinking of starting a jar that I have to put money into anytime I mention his name or likeness in a post.

Very funny story. And I'm GLAD you started a blog!!!! It's awfully therapeutic. And I just love Sarah!!!

Steff( said...

ROFL...Brittani my DH is a Chris as well...we havent had any of the walking instances, but when we first married he used to wake me up singing/shouting military cadences in his sleep.
He would also wake me up to have conversations with him, have said conversations and then when I would be totally awake and talking to him, I would discover he was sound asleep.

I came home from work one night at midnight*christmas season in retail* and asked him when he had to be up for work. he rolls his eyes and tells me 4 20. so i set the alarm for 3 45 and go back to wake him from the sofa again and tell him to come to bed. I told him I set the alarm for him at 3 45 so he would get to work on time. He sits bolt upright and asks why the H*ck I would do that he didnt have to work till 7 40. I had to call his call in # for work to find out what time he was to be was really supposed to be 6 25. *he was working concrete at the time and didnt have a set schedule*
I asked him about it the next day...He to this day swears none of this ever happened and that I am making it up to harrass him.
*rolls eyes* as if you could make up stuff like this.

I am glad to have found your blog and that you came out of lurkdom

Aunt Boo said...

Oh my gosh! That is so funny. I know it had to scare you to death but at least you can laugh about it now.

So funny!

Autumn said...

Well if I "hypothetically" had a brother very very similar to the one you write about I too could add some very funny stories!

Sarah's In the Midst of It said...

I hypothetically remember that same man hollering about playing Sequence in his sleep when we were on the Elevation away team. Hypothetically, of course.

If he and P. ever shared a room, I can't imagine what it would sound like! P. laughs in his sleep!!

Suzanne said...

Also here from Sarah's... delurking to tell you how hysterical your hypothetical situation is! My DH, also Chris, has similar issues. Don't ask him about the enormous spider that he saw crawling on the wall - there was no spider, and he was AWAKE! He and our kids also talk, giggle, and sing while sleeping!